I do volunteer mentoring for those struggling with hoarding behaviours around the world. Those people that are desperate to change but don't know where to start and want to be self-reliant; pull themselves up by their own boot-straps. Often they describe the moment their blinkers come off. They "wake-up" and look around and are horrified by what they see. That's often when I get a message...
'Where do I start?'
I ask "Do you have any physical support? Someone who can be with you in your home?"
''No! I can't ask anyone for help I'm too ashamed. I'm on my own."
OK, so I know this is a long-term project that requires a long-haul solution.
These are the steps I recommend:
List of Steps
Agree to an "amnesty" on waste
This the idea that if you throw out something that you’d usually be shamed or guilted into keeping due to your underlying assumptions and core beliefs, you won’t be charged with the offence of being wasteful or bad for a set period of time.
Start with egresses
Once the idea of an amnesty has been understood and agreed upon I recommend starting with entrances to the home and access between rooms. This is a no-brainer when it comes to first steps to ensure safety because in the event of an emergency time is critical.
Focus on large objects first
I tell them to focus on large objects that are easy decisions including:
- broken things
- appliance boxes
- actual rubbish
- other people's stuff
Sometimes the next text is slow to arrive and I know the person is surveying the scene thinking "Easy for you to say!"
At this point I often crack out some behavioural tips, based on research, that can be super helpful when getting started.
- Find a tube of some sort (toilet roll or wrapping paper tube will do) and look through it
- Use large sheets to cover the surrounding clutter
- Leave a tiny section in view.
That is your starting place.
Focus there.
Only.
Once that area is clear move the sheet and work in the next section.
Consistency is key. First thing, upon waking up each and every day, try selecting 3 items to be removed from your home.
No take-backs.
When motivation to declutter lags
Occasionally I find mentees are just struggling with motivation. They don't feel like doing that. They need to have a rationale for the starting point other than "safety". That's when I ask them to imagine a beloved object they know is in the space but is currently hidden. Using the same technique with the tube and sheets find the rough location where you last remember seeing the object and get started. It might be a favourite chair, a book, a family heirloom. Whatever it is it can be a strong motivator to start somewhere.
For those who are in a position to do so, I also recommend emptying everything from the room they're working on and only return items that fit with their vision of how they'd like to live moving forward in their homes. Then I tell them that they may see the objects that didn't make the cut in a different light. Let me tell you why this might work.
Objects that we have around us all the time, even when we don't purposely interact with them using our senses, make us feel good and we tend to prefer similar objects without understanding why. It's known as the "Mere Repeated Exposure Effect" or "Mere Exposure Effect" MEE. It's the feeling that we get when we are 'familiar' with our surroundings, objects, and people. Keeping things where they have always been (even things you don't particularly like if you were to examine them) can make it difficult to decide to discard them.
The power of context in hoarding
One of the fascinating anecdotal situations I've observed in-person and watched on documentaries is when those with hoarding difficulties, almost spontaneously, recognising their "precious" items are actually just junk.
I pondered this and looked at the similarities in these situations and discovered a commonality. Each time the objects had been removed from their usual location and placed in either another room, outside the home, or in a warehouse.
This change of context seems to impact the relationship the person has with the possession and almost breaks the bond or attachment. It happens in a split second. In fact, I've noticed it in myself when I box up items to take to charity.
If I'm in the kids room sorting through their old toys or books so many memories and experiences pop into my mind. A little 'dance' occurs between the memories and the object and I value some items more than their actual worth because they mean something specific to me.
When I examine this emotional response and recognise it I look at the item more objectively and ask myself:
- Is it in good repair?
- Is it really so sentimental that I can't give it away?
- Would someone love it as much as my boys or I do in its current state?
If I'm still undecided I box it and remove it from the room into the garage. That change of context helps me make more objective decisions about what to keep, what to donate, and what is really no longer worth passing on.
See if moving the objects into a new context changes how you relate to your objects. There is no need for you to throw anything away at all at this stage, you're just experimenting with moving things around to see if it changes how you feel about the possessions.
N.B. Always remember, you are in control of your possessions. But, if you share your house with your family, especially children, your sense of responsibility, ownership, and control over ALL items in the home might be exaggerated.
You MUST relax that grasp and let your family make decisions about their own space and possessions. No going through the rubbish because your child threw out something you thought was still "good". It doesn't matter if you bought it. Once you gave it to them it became theirs to do with as they wish.
Alternatively, don't attempt to make decluttering gains by focusing on other peoples stuff! I've seen parents guilting children into parting with their possessions (or just throwing their stuff away without permission) so the parents had more room for their own gear.
Not cool. Or responsible parenting.
I want you to pinky swear you will not engage in either of these behaviours...
OK, get started and tell me how you're progressing on my socials. I love hearing from you.
Until next time <3
Dr Jan