After people ask me what the definition of hoarding disorder is, they ask the $64 million question:
"Why do some people end up with mountains of disorganised stuff they can't part with because they fear they won't be able to cope with the emotional loss...and others don't?"
Although there isn't a simple straight forward answer I usually explain that hoarding behaviours are methods that some people use to manage their emotions. When faced with loss in particular, hoarding is a way to control the uncontrollable.
It's important to recognised that all humans use possessions in some way that is not purely functional.
What we own:
- signals to others information about our personality, priorities, and purpose
- defines us as an extension of our selves (self-construal)
- offers comfort to a child when their attachment figure is unavailable (transitional object)
- is a repository of our autobiographical memories
- may be imbued with the *essence* of those we love or wish to emulate, and
- allows us to feel in control of something in a life that feels uncontrollable.
Like most coping behaviours hoarding works, until it doesn't. Like drugs, alcohol, food, or gambling in the short term, avoiding negative emotions and enhancing positive ones is effective.
Unfortunately, avoiding discarding and increasing acquiring to up-regulate positive and down-regulate negative emotions, whether through buying or rescuing other's discarded possessions, can not be sustained long term.
----TRIGGER WARNING----
Mention of Child Abuse + Trauma
Indeed, many of us needed to use these coping mechanisms to survive what life threw at us when we were developing our sense of self and our delicate brains were growing and changing.
I want you to know that you (yes YOU) did what you could to use the resources at your disposal to remain safe and survive a difficult childhood.
As a child did you:
- Lose a key attachment figure (mother or father) either through divorce or death at a young age?
- Grow up in a chaotic environment with a parent/s or sibling who suffered from a mental illness (diagnosed or not e.g. alcohol or drug use, major depression, OCD, or personality disorders)?
- Have a parent or grandparent who hoarded?
- Suffer interpersonal neglect or abuse?
- Feel unseen, unheard, and unloved by your parents, family, and teachers?
This is of course not a definitive list of types of trauma you may have faced. Indeed, every day I speak to people with stories of traumatic and challenging backgrounds. Some have experienced all of these things and more in their lifetimes.
If this is you I want you to understand that your hoarding behaviour was a way for you to
S U R V I V E .
You are not some "crazy" hoarder. You are a human being who has lived a life that many would not have endured.
But that time has passed.
Once you have opened your eyes to your past and have begun to comprehend the way your childhood experiences shaped your behaviours, emotions, and relationships it's hard to turn away.
Once you recognise you are worthy of loving relationships and human connection and that there is a better way to live it's hard to go back to how things were.
I think you're ready to move on.
Now it's time to take back control, break the cycle and stop behaviours that helped you then but are suffocating you now.
With approximately 2-5% of the population (closer to 6% in the over 65 age group) hoarding is not a rare condition and you are not alone. There is compassionate help available.
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