Children of Hoarders: READ FIRST

Growing up in a hoarded environment is traumatic. It can not be overstated how difficult it is to live life surrounded by clutter and chaos.  Although research is a little behind in this area it seems that early-onset hoarding (approximately 25+ years of age) may be more likely to have co-occurring personality disorders. Why is this important?  Because people with personality disorder symptoms are unlikely to perceive they have a problem (lack of insight), thus rarely seek help, and often struggle with perspective-taking meaning they are unable to see how their emotions and behaviours impact others.

It's my opinion that these (what I'm calling for want of a better term) early-onset hoarding cases are less common than other types of hoarding but are as serious or maybe even more serious than schizophrenia.  I'm putting that out there, with no research to back me up but having discussed this with children of hoarders (COH) who have lived-experience, I think it's probably not far from reality.

The parent who hoards might:

• go through your rubbish and "rescue" items you've decided to throw out.
• punish you for your attempts to manage your own environment by throwing "rubbish" out.
• fuel paranoia about outsiders and stop you from having friends over or preventing you visiting other homes.
• use manipulative tactics to turn you against those who might help. 
• blame you for the state of the house, even though you're not responsible, and expect you to "fix" it then chastise you for throwing things away.
• neglect you and your siblings and focus on collecting and managing their "treasures".

They also might be wonderful loving people who, due to their mental illness, have lost control of the clutter and react strongly to any attempts by anyone to "help" them.  

Either way, this leaves you, the COH, responsible for your own survival from a young age in a role reversal known as parentification.  This is deeply scaring psychologically and can lead to severe anxiety and depression, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or substance abuse. 

We also know that being exposed to trauma and without being able to control our environment leads to hopelessness and helplessness (see Marty Seligman).  It seems like growing up as a COH is the ultimate uncontrollable environment.

Consider your motivation

If you’re reading this it’s likely you've also been the parentified child that held the household together. The guilt of leaving the family home may be pushing you towards the role of “saviour” of your loved one(s). The shame of the way your parents live can push you to take the initiative to intervene.  If this is your motivation I'd like you to consider what I have to say.

Compassion not Empathy

Empathy

If you talk to a hoarding expert (researcher or psychologist) about how you should handle your hoarding parent often the first word used is “empathy” for the parent followed by  “work on the relationship” by avoiding discussions, especially arguments, about the home environment, and help them at their pace.  I vehemently disagree with this advice and here's why:

Unfortunately, being asked to empathise with the parent who hoards is  re-traumatising.  To be blunt it's like being asked to empathise with your rapist and then help them recover.  How can that be?  Isn't empathy always the answer? No, because empathy requires you to actually step into the shoes of the hoarder and view ‘yourself’ as your parent sees you.  Empathy asks you to see the world through another's eyes and feel what they feel.  

Think about it this way...in empathising with your parent(s) who hoard, you are expected to experience the attachment they have to their stuff.  Empathy asks you to experience how it is that your parent can choose the stuff over you.  Read that again…empathy for your parent that hoards asks you to experience how your parent has chosen the stuff over you.  Wow.  Let's be realistic, becoming one with their distress is unlikely to move the process of change for your parent forward. The softly softly approach may be what clinicians recommend from the hoarding sufferers perspective; however, as the child of a hoarder(s) this is not in YOUR best interests. 

Compassion

Compassion, on the other hand, asks you to take the perspective of the person, understand, and want to help. That's not to say that YOU must do the helping.  You can’t help if you get too close because your emotions and traumatic early life experiences will interfere.  You can feel compassion for them by attempting to understand them.  You can WANT to help but you should not be the one doing the physical helping. 

Many who hoard are defiant, defensive, even agnosognosic (unaware they have a mental illness). What could be beneficial for you, as a COH, is to try to understand the perspective of someone who doesn’t think they have a problem and everyone else does; that’s very isolating and distressing, right?  (This book "I am not sick I don't need Help!" by Dr Xavier Armador might help.)

So, what is your role? As an adult child of a hoarder, I think  your own mental health should be your priority. I want you to know that your parent's hoarding is not your responsibility. That doesn't mean I'm advocating you disconnect from them completely I'm suggesting your interactions with your parent who hoards require boundaries.

 If you are still a minor living in your family home with a parent who hoards find support where you can and confide in those you can trust with your secret. If you find someone who can help you cope, not judge, or interfere in your home-life to your detriment consider perhaps opening up to them slowly.

You can also get advice and make connections on the Children of Hoarders website here.

If you are still determined to take some action, what can you do to help?