What to do when your loved one won’t accept help…
“But if they could just throw out all the “junk” “rubbish” “crap” we would get off their back!” Ahhh it’s like the Bob Newhart skit isn’t it? If life were that simple we wouldn’t need to spend billions of dollars on mental health programmes…
Being the bystander in a loved one’s life who hoards and refuses help is tough. You can see they need help but all those years of being ridiculed and criticised for the way they appear to value possessions over people has left them defensive and just plain angry. There is a tendency for all of us to want to “help” loved ones the way we think is best, which isn’t always what they need.
It’s certainly difficult to walk a mile in another’s shoes; however, this is indeed what we all need to do with those who hoard.
There is ONE exception…if you grew up in the hoarded environment from a young age this post is NOT FOR YOU! Please go here.
What should I do?
What NOT to do is a clear out. I can not stress this enough. If external stakeholders (council, health department etc) are suggesting this is the only solution tell them to ring me! I’ll put them straight.
A “clear out” is NOT the solution!
Clinicians know just clearing it all out is never the solution for hoarding. It’s tempting, I know, to think that booking a skip and getting together for a “working bee” with the family one weekend is going to make it all better. Unfortunately, hoarding is not about the stuff. Indeed removing the stuff will only exacerbate the problem and further distance you from your loved one.
The second piece of advice I can give you if your loved one is refusing help is:
stop… Stop what you have been doing up until now.
Take a breath.
Really listen and observe your loved one. What do they need? A hug? A kind word? A visitor who doesn’t tell them what to do? To be forgiven?
If your relationship with your loved one is broken you must work to mend it if you are going to be able to help them. Once you have rebuilt trust and understanding there will be a way forward. It won’t be easy but there is a way to help your loved one.
My third piece of advice is to:
let go of the notion that you will be able to help your loved one without their permission. In cases where the hoarding sufferer has “dug in” it isn’t likely they will be able to “dig out” on their own without substantial help. Having said that, help must be offered on their terms and focused on harm reduction.
What is “harm reduction”?
The key principle of harm reduction is do no harm. This means that if your “helping” is leading to strained relationships and emotional distress for the person who hoards it is in fact harming them. Equally, if you decide, for example, that you are unhappy with the way your elderly parents are living and report them to local authorities your actions may lead to them being removed from the home causing great trauma and distress to all concerned. Therefore, all action taken must follow the principle of do no harm.
The second principle is accepting that your loved one does not need to stop all hoarding behaviour for this to be successful. It is not an all or nothing proposition. It’s about making the environment as safe as possible while accomodating the needs and wishes of the hoarding sufferer. It’s important not to focus on discarding large swathes of possessions early on (or perhaps ever) in the process. Relocation of possessions and other creative solutions should be explored first in order to improve the safety and health of the person who hoards and any others living in the home.
Additionally, the loved one is a key member of the harm reduction team. It is a process that requires the buy in of all involved and may require external stake-holders to be included in the team such as clinicians, council representatives, or neighbours. Nothing should be touched, moved, or discarded without express permission from the hoarding sufferer.
Change is slow, let’s face it changing any habit is extremely difficult for anyone. It’s likely your loved one has been engaging in hoarding behaviours for most of their lives so change won’t happen over night.
Can anyone help me?
It can seem like you are all alone in your plight to help a hoarding loved one. Especially if the relationship has shut down and you are not able to open up lines of communication in order to implement an harm reduction plan.
I strongly urge you to find a therapist for yourself. Someone who can help you rebuild your relationship with your loved one. Forgiveness will be required to heal the rift between family and love one, which may require some assistance from an expert.
Your loved one may never accept an outsider like a counsellor, coach, or professional organiser to join the harm reduction team and help in the home but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have support.
Understanding the great pressure families of hoarding sufferers are under I am able to offer my expertise in-person (Melbourne), via email, phone, or Skype to help you successfully implement a harm reduction plan that will enable you to provide support for your loved one while bringing your family together again.
Unfortunately, hoarding disorder specialists are few and far between so don’t hesitate to contact me if you are struggling to find a support person with the necessary expertise in your part of the world. There’s always a way for us to connect.
Until next time!
